it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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