It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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