thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
