My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
