Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
