I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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