Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
