sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
