Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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