Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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