So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text