Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.