Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You smell like a Billy Joel song
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
