I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
