Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
