Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
