shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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