theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
