does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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