i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
