I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
