Don't you send me to vm
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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