i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
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So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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