I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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