You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
