She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
