Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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