Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
