she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
