I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
