The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
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Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Two words: nipple clamps
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