my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
