i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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