I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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