I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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