I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
