is your mom at the bar?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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