You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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