I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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