I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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