Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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