i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
