Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
