Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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