yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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