we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
