My room smells like vodka and shame
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
