before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
