ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
