I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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