im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
