meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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