I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
