you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A+ Viking dick
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
