My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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