dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
