Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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