You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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