He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
