im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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